We have more or less launched into what will be the new normal for co-parenting our son as a separated couple. It still feels foreign to use those words and I still find myself saying “my husband” to people. I have started to tell a few people here and there, but for the most part I am keeping the situation to myself. At work my boss knows as it’s something I couldn’t keep to myself as I’ve been needing to discuss with her taking sick leave to attend counselling appointments. Other than her there are only two other coworkers who only sort of know what is going on. One seems to have an idea that something is up, but he doesn’t know the full extent. I’m not comfortable talking about it to anyone and I really don’t feel it is any of their business, so I just keep it quiet. My parents asked permission to start mentioning it to extended family as they said that they are starting to get to the point of having to lie to them when they ask about why I’m visiting them solo with my son and no husband in tow…again. They said that they won’t be going into any major detail with anyone as it isn’t their place to do so, but they felt that family should be aware of what is happening. My dad said that not keeping it from everyone will mean that my support system will widen. I hesitantly told them that they could proceed with telling family as it comes up. The reason I was hesitant is because there are certain members of my extended family who are giant gossips and love talking about/trying to figure out what is going on in certain family members lives. I don’t think it is to be nasty in any way, but I just know that I have sat in on many conversations others have had about other family members who have shit going on and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to know that this will now be going on behind my back. I told my parents that if anyone has any questions beyond the standard information, then they have to tell them that they can come to me and ask and I will choose how much I want to share. I said that my counsellor told me that the facts of the situation aren’t needed for anyone beyond my immediate circle of support. That the message I should be putting out there is that yes, we have split and that the focus is 100% on ensuring a happy and healthy life for Hunter and working towards finding an amicable place as co-parents. She said the nitty gritty stuff is nobody’s business but my own. So that’s what I relayed to my parents. But I’m still nervous. Mainly because I know that my mom is holding a lot of anger about the situation and in her overly emotional state that she can get in, if someone finds her at the right time, she will likely have a good vent about it all. It would take my dad telling her to shut up. My goal, despite how much I’m hurting and upset, is to not villainize my husband in anyone’s eyes. If family members were observant enough over the last few years they will likely not be overly surprised by this chain of events and will have already made their own minds up about him. It isn’t my job to change that. It isn’t my job to try to protect him in any way either. But it is my job to ensure that the people who my son will be spending time around are not trying to talk to me about my husband being a horrible human being or wanting to slander him when my child is within ear shot. It is my job to ensure that the world we are moving forward in remains as neutral as possible. As, again, my feelings on the situation are mine and nobody else’s and they can stay between me, my husband, close family and friends and my counsellor. On the weekend I went for pedicures with my cousin who is divorced from her husband and kid’s father. I found myself having to tread very lightly on every answer I gave to her questions as she is one of the family members who will go running fast to her sister and parents with any information I give her. I provided her with the basics and attempted to remain vague. But I know there were a few moments where I likely gave her a bit too much information that she likely latched on to immediately. I know her separation and subsequent divorce from her husband and dysfunctional marriage was and still is a very messy one and incredibly different from my own. And it actually pained me a little to hear her occasionally comparing our two spouses. She had me questioning my husband’s honesty when I told her that he has ensured he will always make sure I’m taken care of. All because her own dirt bag ex isn’t capable of that without it going as far as possible in court. Rational me knows to not compare the two. While they may have some similarities in their personalities, they are also greatly different. Or so I want to believe at this stage in things.

My closest friends know the situation going on and I have also started to send a couple texts here and there to other more distant friends. Those ones are getting the super vague messages about the situation. There are no details provided. Just facts about what is going on and how we are moving forward. That is all any of them need to know. If they want to know more then they can arrange to meet up with me and I can talk to them. But in the meantime, all they need to know is the positive place we are working to keep our son in.

I know a lot of people who have supported me up until this stage likely want to say his name in anger and talk about all kinds of bad things about him to anyone who will listen. And truthfully, at times, I want to as well. But I just don’t see anything positive coming from doing that. We can talk and talk and talk about his actions, my actions, where we both failed each other, how shitty this all is….but that doesn’t change where the future is headed. It also doesn’t change the past. Repairing feelings on the past is up to me and my husband to do together. But sitting and ranting about things to others isn’t going to get me anywhere. I have enough low moments about my world being completely turned upside down and flipped around and forever changed that I don’t need to be dragged down by friends or family who want to try to get me to bitch and moan about it all. I don’t need that on top of how I’m already feeling. Because, in the grand scheme of how separations can be….mine is actually pretty tame. Comparing like that doesn’t mean that I’m ignoring and pushing aside any of my feelings, but it is making me have an easier time looking at the bigger picture and how I will work through everything.